Friday, May 29, 2009

Rumour Mill: Animated Carboard Cut-outs

montreal - The future plan for rebuilding the Montreal Canadiens franchise was revealed today by the head office: "The team will be mostly comprised of animated cardboard cutouts of legendary players," said Chief Marketing Director Johnny Pamplemousse.

"Much like the beloved table hockey game, we will attach cutouts of Hall of Fame alumni to a complex set of magnets and pullies," Johnny said. "This will allow us to move them about as the game is played. The cutouts will not only be able to move, but we will also project famous video clips of each player's careers on the cutouts during the games."

A bold strategy indeed. When asked for the rational, Mr Pamplemousse indicated that with the upcoming cap-crunch, the Glorious Organisation had to make a choice; go into the limited pool of Unrestricted Free Agents, or shed the salaries altogether and leverage the cap space. "We are in a recession, don't you know. We must be financially responisble, while still providing a good product for the fans."

Asked how animatronic monstrosities of players past is good for the fans, Pamplemousse added: "Most of our actual players are pylons anyhow. Besides, most fans are only interested in the glory days. We doubt they'll even notice the other team on the ice." He still projects sold out ticket sales, plenty of TV coverage and analysis shows, and a 10% rise in standing ovations.

NHL Commisioner Gary Bettman solidly supported the idea, seeing it as a great way to sell more mechandise. He added that if he can get other franchises on board with the plan, he might be able to sell more games to NBC -- since the broader American hockey base can't relate to the game in the first place.

The NHLPA declined to comment.

in the off season i have nothing to write about - so i thought i'd add to the ridiculous rumour mill surrounding the canadiens. i hope you enjoy.

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